Q&A: Family Meetings, In-Laws, and How to Actually Keep Your Friends

0:04Welcome to Brave and Big, where we talk about living a Brave and Big Life. I'm Joey Odom, husband to Kristen, dad to Harrison and Gianna, speaker, former tech co-founder and author.

0:13I'm Chris Hart, husband to Molly, dad to Blakely, Cooper, Landry, and my son Brave. I'm the CEO and founder of the Brave Group and Brave Performance Agency. Joey and I have been having these talks for 25 years, and we're better for it. We believe the same will be true for you. Enjoy this episode. Be brave and live big. Yay, yay, yay! Brave and big in person. Man, man, a unique format for the show today. Yes. I'm just telling you, get your mind right. Surprise guest in the middle of it. I mean, there's a lot coming. So I want you to be ready, prepare your heart and mind. Joey, what are we doing today?

0:57Today, so we have had you are a coach. You you lead brave coaching, and uh I was one of your mentees. I'm in your coaching tree, actually.

1:07And now you coach.

1:08Now I coach. Come on, bro. So you coach people to be their best. You you're high-level politicians, professional athletes, all that kind of stuff. But one big piece on coaching, we you have the brave curriculum that you walk people through, but that first part of the call is where, like, hey, what's on fire?

1:26Yeah.

1:26So getting on a call with somebody, and hey, here is something that's bothering me right now. Here's a tension I'm feeling. And man, that is to me one of those most valuable times where it's where you're really drawing on wisdom. This is why it's so important getting the word in the mornings, but drawing on some wisdom. So, what we wanted to do was we wanted to do this episode as a QA. What would it be like to be on with Chris or be on with Joey talking about here's the thing that I'm dealing with right now? So we went out and we asked the people.

1:59We're men of the people, we're men of the people, and the people have a voice.

2:02That's right. The people have a voice. Yeah, on Brave and Big they have a voice. You're exactly right. So we so we saluted, we said, hey, what are some questions you have? And bro, it was fun. Like my DMs got blown up with just a normal day for you, though, right? That's a good point. That's a fair point. DMs on fire. Fair points.

2:18But it was fat like some actual, like deep, good questions.

2:21It was, I did I thought that maybe crickets when you asked, but man, a bunch of questions. So really excited about them. So what we want to do is give a little bit of not super rapid fire, but hit three, four, five questions, maybe have somebody sneak in here whose name you all have heard many times on the pod. But here's the first one. And we have not we have very intentionally, obviously, we had to read the questions, but we very intentionally not really prepared notes on these because we want people to see what it's like in the moment.

2:48Where there is a lot of power, and that you made this point, trying to be spirit-led. And it's funny, if if people like don't like our answer, you can be like, okay, I don't like your strategy. That's fine. But there is something in the in the moment of a conversation with someone that you care about, getting that back and forth feedback, ask a question, get a real-time response, and hopefully that's what comes through today.

3:07Yeah, there you go. First one, uh super practical one, which I love. I would love to hear details about how you perform family meetings. We we've talked about family meetings. They were kind of asking the in the context of wartime and being exhausted, but just being intentional. What is that that weekly? We've talked about it, both of us, our weekly family meetings. What does that look like in the hard household?

3:27We go Sunday nights because we can most easily protect Sunday nights. There is often nothing sports-wise scheduled on those nights. We have church in the morning. Um, and and then really our goal is the whole day is supposed to be more restful. Yeah. We're not as hardcore as some, but it's like, man, we just don't schedule much. So we do it Sunday night. Our basic formula is we celebrate from the week before, high, low, Buffalo. We really kind of say, Man, this one rises to the top. That was amazing. Congratulate that person. And then a big part of it is what do we have coming up the next week so that we can come into the week as a unified force. Yeah. I'm aware of what Big Testikid has or a tryout or a game. Molly's speaking somewhere, like it's cool for us to come into it. And then I typically do like a two-minute message on something. Some topic, something, man. This is what it looks like to have courage. This is this is what it looks like to tell the truth all the time. Yeah. Man, let's talk about Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. Like a lot of times, something that's stern in me, yeah, and I want them to have some basic fundamental point. It's not a deep dive, but they're thinking like that along with everything else to come in. But the the premise is the heart family is coming into the week together, focused on God, focused on each other, so that we can go win the week.

4:46Got it. Quick question. Rapid fire. You can't think too long about it, but Mary, date, kill Shadrach, Meshach, Abednego. Who you got?

4:54Oh gosh. Mary, Shadrach, kill Abednego, obviously. That's easy.

4:58Yeah.

4:58Uh date the other one. Great question.

5:01A lot of people don't ask that, but we need to be asking it. Um for us, we've been doing it for years. Kristen and I found tension around our family, around the just pure logistics. We found ourselves just misaligned. It's just like truly the reason our family meeting started. We do it on Sunday afternoons, and it was merely because our expectations were misaligned for the week. I thought you were going to be home at you're going to be home for dinner. Why weren't you doing home for dinner?

5:25I thought you were picking up Harrison. That's exactly what I think.

5:27For us, it is purely logistical. We look at what's the upcoming calendar. This has evolved. Our kids are a little bit older, so it's not quite as much like taking them, driving them because they both drive now. But um what do the meals look like this week? Hey, who is what do we have? When when are you traveling? When is like so it's pure logistical for our kids right now, too, with them having jobs or over the summer they did have jobs, and so we would go through with them, their give, save, spend. Hey, I want this. Hey, where are you? Were you giving? Hey, were you saving? Hey, what's what's your spend look like? And just transfering money. It's pure logistics. And it is, I will tell you, man, you want to eliminate a bunch of strife, just get on the same page logistically. That's it. So that's for us.

6:08I will say this. Uh, once we do our little family time, then Molly and I, because our kids are a little bit younger, just go get your swerve on. Well, yeah, that's uh that's yes, uh Sunday nights. Uh, we go through the calendar.

6:19Yeah.

6:19And now that Blakely has a phone, she's got that her little yellow tab, and she updates it too. So that was actually progressive. It was all about, to your point, on the same page. Yeah. But now she really needs to be on there too. So it's cool. To your point, yeah. The calendar's right, we can move forward together.

6:35Last note, the this person asked this within the the context of wartime, young kids being busy. I'm just telling you, like, this is just wartime strategy stuff. Like, it's okay to be strategic. It's okay to not like it's just okay, let's just get on the same page. It's get the communication right so we can go to war. That's right. That's a combat multiplier.

6:54Okay, question back to you. Yeah, this is a good one. Oh, this is actually pretty deep. Okay. How do you pursue your own growth and become a better version of yourself without making your spouse feel like they're being left behind or judged? We get this question. I'm gonna have you start this one, but this actually comes up a lot with the coaching. Yeah. We'll be working hard with a guy, he's making progress, fitness is dialed in, fate's dialed in. There's a lot of real specific kind of growth uh metrics. And and the spouse is like, okay, great. Yeah, it's awesome that you're running fast now, but I'm not getting coached, so what do I do? Right. So if I don't know if that helps with the context of it, but it's interesting that this question came in. What are your thoughts? You've had big growth swings in your life. What's that look like with your spouse?

7:45Thinking for me personally, I think one thing that that all of us have that all of us have a tendency to do, I think men especially have a tendency to do, is we begin to we begin to take what we're learning and we begin to impose it on others. And so I think I think this is a real pitfall that's worth avoiding. This is not gonna solve all this, it's just one element of it. But it's something that we if you think about like you learn, if you think about learn, live, lead. You take a concept, you learn about it, you live it out, then you try to lead well. What many of us try to do is we try to go from learn to lead immediately.

8:24Oh, come on.

8:25Instead of live. This is this is the solution. Is that right? Go there, yes, go. So just so beg just staying in that place, it's easy to I it's easy in those again to to lead it without living. And I think you just have to sit in living it out. We would, when we had the the technology business about modeling phone behavior well, putting your phone in the box and spending time away. I would tell guys, if I had the opportunity, I would say, don't you dare tell anybody in your family to put their phone away until you've nailed this for months. Really good. Months, months, months. So I do understand there's gonna be a piece of it that, and again, you're wanna, you're gonna, I just know this, you're gonna want to try to like offhanded say it. You're gonna want to passively say it, like, oh boy, I really like the gym. Huh? They got a deal two for one running right now.

9:12What do you think? It's like the first time you get first class and you immediately judge everybody walking by you to coach. Absolutely, yeah. It's like your first time up there.

9:20Yes.

9:20I'm telling you, Joey, I would give the exact same thing. I had this happen on Tuesday this last week. Got a client, he's taking crazy cool ground. He has he his fitness has been the thing.

9:32Yeah.

9:32He is getting up early for the first time in his life and he's 50. And now he's working out, and he and it was funny. The first couple weeks, his why I'd see his wife, and she'd be like, hey, guess who won the morning? He did not me. You know what I mean? And she's like slanging our language a little bit, and it's great. And he just goes, Hart, it has been three months now. Guess who asked me to wake her up this morning and we went on our walk together. That's so good. Three it's exactly what you said. Yeah. It was a three-month process. There's so much upfront excitement with growth as there should be. Yeah. But we can really polarize, especially our spouse, if it's like, hey, I'm excited about it, and man, I'm focused on what I'm doing. God and I are in a journey right now, and it's great. I'll tell you about anything that you want to hear about it. Yeah. But we're encouraging them, not judging them, because we're on our journey right now. And they're such a big part of that. And I think that's that's where the tension is. But I love how you said it, man. Let's prove the model a little bit. Yeah. And I think instead of having to be like, why don't you be more like me, they're gonna see it, see that it's real, see that it's sticking. Yeah. Because we've all done things that we've started and haven't finished. If we'll be consistent, it's actually gonna be incentive for them to be excited about something with you, yeah, and maybe follow that lead because you've proven it.

10:47I'll may do a quick addendum on um spiritual growth. Is that it's easy here, this this gets really hard. But if you let's say you start going to church for the first time, your spouse doesn't go. Again, this is not something you need to mandate on them. Let the Holy Spirit work on them, but allow it to be your fruit that speaks for you. Just allow if all of a sudden your spouse starts noticing you're a little bit more patient, you're a little bit more loving, you're a little bit more selfless, that's gonna be the thing. It's not gonna be you telling them ad nauseum how good the sermon was, or I think you'd really like it. Like maybe there's there's something there, but I believe that like let your fruit speak for itself.

11:25Jesus said they will know you by your fruit.

11:28Yeah, that's it.

11:28Well, guess who's gonna know you the most? That's the people that you live with, yeah, are actually seeing a change, and that becomes motivation for them to do whatever that looks like for them.

11:37Yeah.

11:38Us pushing and nudging and becoming an expert three days into it's right helps no one.

11:43Yeah, that's right. Now, gang, for the next question, I am really excited. Bro, I'm really excited.

11:50A whole lot has led to this moment.

11:52Yes. Listener, you have heard the name Luke Collins. Yes, he's a legend. And Chris, actually, why don't you explain why Luke is sitting in the studio with us right now? How did this come to be?

12:05Well, first of all, in college, Luke wore the number 23. Yeah, he did. And then he played soccer like a moose. Yes, he did. So obviously we called him Air Moose. Okay, that's that's that's who is with us. Yeah. And then the fascinating thing is Luke is an unbelievable human father, businessman, and friend. Yes. Okay. All that being said, a couple days ago, Luke found out that we were coming to Nashville, and we just said, Man, would you be open to coming? Two days' notice, what's that look like? Six minutes later? Flight booked. Luke sends the flight confirmation. He goes, See on the plane, fat boy. We're we're rolling. You know what I mean? So here is Luke now in person, living out the question and topic that we want to talk to him about. So perfect.

12:54When we got this question, we thought there is there is actually someone who is much more qualified than I to answer this. So Luke Sterry, Luke Ryan Collins, it's so good to see you. And it's happening. Great to be here. Um, we will the question is how it's such a good this is such a question that a that a male would ask because it's so it's so basic. How do you make and maintain friendships as an adult? What are effective ways you've seen people do that? So, Luke, I would I would say you're the most consistent when it comes to like routine keeping up on friendships, how would you answer that? How do you make and maintain friendships because you're so good at it?

13:32Yeah, I think um, you know, one of the things in our family, we have some family values, and one of them is loyalty, and we define that as we say we we are we show firm and constant support to the people we love. And and so throughout my life, you know, I've just been very loyal to friends that make me better. And you know, we've had we've had our friendship for over 25 years, and and we met in college when we were 19, and and both of you were in my wedding as my best men, including Pat, who's not here. And I know we've had episodes on friendship, and it's part of the uh you know the brave curriculum is you know, who are your three and who are your 12? Yeah, and you guys, you Joey, Chris, Pat, you guys have been my three for over 25 years, and so I have and so it's selfishly, you guys all make me better, right? And so when I and I don't know that I necessarily recognized this when I was younger in college, but as I've as I've gotten older and matured, I'm like, man, I want to maintain and develop and maintain friendships with men that make me better. And I'm when I'm with you guys, like when I'm with Chris, he makes me feel brave, he makes me feel courageous, he makes me feel like I can conquer the world, that I can run through a wall. When I'm with Joey, I feel excited, I feel silly, I feel happy. When I'm with Pat, I'm filled with compassion, I'm filled with joy. And these are things that you guys bring out in me. And so naturally I want to pursue those friendships because I'm a better man and a better person because of the people I surround myself with. And so I think a lot of it is defining, okay, who makes me better, who do I feel excited when I'm around? And then how do I pursue those relationships? And you know, you hear people all the time, they say, Man, we we should get together sometime. We should hang out, we should go grab coffee. I would encourage people immediately pull out your phone and put it on the schedule.

15:35That's a hack right there. That's good.

15:37When are we gonna do it? Okay, you want to grab coffee? I'm pulling out my phone. Let's get it on the schedule right now.

15:42Would you, I mean, is it safe to say the moose is loose on the Brave and Big podcast? That's right.

15:46Yeah, no, yeah, yeah, the park ranger just called out there looking for a moose.

15:50Heads up on the drinks coming in. Easy moose. Uh uh, you have a question too. You want me to go? Yeah, go ahead. Okay. Luke, I what I would be fascinated to know is is how how deep and wide do you go? That's a great question. Right? You like I Joe and I both brag about Luke as an example of a deep, long, forever loyal friendship. So how just for anybody listening, how many of those do you have? Like if let's say we're your three, how far beyond that do you go at the level that you show us? Yeah.

16:22Well, I mean, again, the the three, or you know, I'll use you guys as my three with because you are, is you know, I am constantly praying for you, I'm pursuing you, you know, I am intentional with those relationships. And then, you know, just like Jesus, he had his 12, right? So I've got three. So I may have another nine, 10, 12 guys in my life. And some of that is is proximity where I live, who do I see, who do I hang out with. But, you know, the biggest pandemic was not COVID, it was isolation for men. And men get isolated and then they become insecure, they become inconsistent, you know, they don't have any momentum in their lives. And so you have to have community and you have to be willing to put yourself out there. And so, you know, again, I think you got to find your three. These are your ride or dies that you're doing life with all the time. But through who are the people in your life? Like my pastor at my church has become one of my really good friends. I call him all the time, I text him. There's other people in my life that I don't get my feelings hurt in friendships. I don't get jealous if you guys are building an amazing podcast and doing life together. I don't ever get jealous in friendships, but I consistently pursue people that I want to maintain a community with and that are gonna make me better. And that's about 12, 12, probably 12 guys.

17:46And and listen, let me tell you how that shows up. Luke is Luke will call multiple times a week. I will answer half of those, right? Maybe, not not yeah, maybe. It never a single time have you ever given me grief for that, which is shocking because you make fun of people more than anybody I ever known. So you give you are not afraid to give someone a hard time, but it it feels almost like you've drawn a boundary in just like it's almost like this gratitude, and like what you said, you don't get offended, but it's like when you that it's not become an expectation. It's like it's because it would be what would happen. I mean, you know this. If someone was just like, Why don't you ever answer my calls? Like, you probably don't really want to hang with that, but it gets annoying. You've never done that. It's really, really interesting, and but you're consistent, you don't ever feel like deterred. This is why, by the way, you're this is why Luke's business has exploded. This is why you're so successful, is you really don't get offended. You're not afraid to call again and again and again. And as a result, our relationship is light, we can stay surface, we can go really deep, but I do believe it's because of your consistency in that, your lack of offendability, and um, I think it shows up. So that's how it feels. And I will tell you, by the way, for context, Luke, you live in Arkansas, Chrissy, you live in Oklahoma. I live in Tennessee. Yeah, so it's not as if we see each other. We saw each other this time last year, the three of us at the same time. And what's cool about it is, and this is where I also think that like having a relationship with Jesus, the fact that we all went to college together at a Christian school, Harrison, who's 18, by the way, the three of us are here in Nashville for the weekend. We're going to the Van Dy game tomorrow night. Harrison, my 18-year-old son, is coming up to hang with us. Him being around our friendship last year. We had a couple other guys, Adam and Dave, and um Brian, a couple other guys in town and in Knoxville. Harrison just seeing our friendship, he did a couple things. He broke up with his girlfriend because he said, I want to hang out with guys instead. And he said, I want to go to Christian college. Just because just by sitting as a witness to our friendship. And so the generational impact of the things that you do in friendship, it's incredible.

19:53Yeah, I have people, I mean, even my wife, you know, she she's younger than we are, didn't go to college with us at the same time. I mean, I think people are sometimes just blown away by the depths of the friendships that we have and the amount of people that we are friends with that we have connected with. And you're exactly right. It's because we have that foundation. I mean, I remember when we were all in college, just you know, being able to look at chapel down the row and just seeing, man, these are all my great friends. We're all in chapel together and we're all praising God together and we're all doing life together. And we've maintained that now for over 25 years. Yeah. And it has just grown so deep and so, you know, we may not talk for two or three weeks, but then you know, we hop on a phone call and it's like we pick up where we never left off. Yeah.

20:38Let me ask you this, because you're you're very intentional, and what I hear a lot are the people that are intentional are wondering why other people aren't. Does that make sense, Luke? Like there's times where it's like, I feel like I have to initiate every time we hang out. I have I have a lot of good friends, but if I don't call them, we won't talk, go to lunch, whatever. So, as intentional as you are, does that bother you that other people aren't as intentional? Like, just say Joey if you want, that's fine. Just say it. Just random example of the long-haired guy, right? Just the but speak to that a little bit because you've made a life out of intentionality.

21:13Yeah, well, I mean, yeah, somebody has to be intentional. That's it. You know, that's it. Is somebody has to be the fire starter, right? And somebody has to um initiate those and set things up. And and so, you know, I am, you know, you naturally connect with some people, and and those people you just have to, again, if they're gonna make me better, they're gonna make me um, you know, my relationship with Jesus deeper, if they're gonna push me, those are people I wanna connect with in my life. And so I'm gonna pursue them selfishly because I am better because of it. And you know, and if and if you know, I'm getting the cues for like, man, they really don't care, then I can move on. But, you know, for the most part, I'm able to pick up on that pretty quick. And then just develop those relationships based off of intentionality. Yeah.

22:04I will say too, there's this whole idea, like your response is equity. And a lot of times we're not great at responding and and it well, I think we're really missing out. But like you you prove your respect for someone with your response.

22:20Yeah.

22:21And I some that there's some guys I'll call and and like if you don't answer right, it's okay, but I know they're gonna tax right back. Yeah. Hey, couldn't catch you. And I think there's something to that. Like if you if you're not the best at initiating, but you want to have good friends, at least be an unreal responder. Yeah. Because it shows the respect and builds the equity in the relationship.

22:40I I think that there's a I think for me there's a level of perfectionism that becomes an impediment that I want to have an amazing 40-minute call when I have a call. Luke, one thing you're really good at, I mean, you're great at four minutes being like, all right, gotta go. And it's just quick. And I think that's I think I've I've I've said this is hard for me to do in practice because I think I do fight some of that level of perfectionism of it. But like I think the hallmark of a great friendship is how short your calls can be. It it's and you're great that it's just the hey, quick touch point and I'm out. And it's that's fantastic. Yeah, you can just drop a bomb on them, be like, hey, it's crazy.

23:15I'm at the hospital. Yeah, I gotta go.

23:18Yeah. Hey, I got a 40-minute drive. How many people can I call in 40 minutes? Oh, that's good. You know, and you know, I've started, you know, I've got my favorites in my phone, right? Who are my 15 favorites, right? You guys are in that top five, six, maybe, you know. But listen, I am gonna, I'm I hate going anywhere in my truck if I'm not on the phone. So I want to be talking with somebody, I want to be checking in with somebody. If I'm thinking about somebody, if God puts somebody on my mind, I'm either gonna text them or I'm gonna call call them. And so again, it's just being intentional that maintain those relationships, and man, it just it just builds over time. Yeah, but it's just being intentional and consistent with it. Luke, you're the best. Thank you.

23:57You're welcome. Man, he shows up as a friend and shows up on the pod. Yeah. You know what's funny is actually hearing it's funny, experiencing Luke, it's like hearing the background. I've never asked him about that kind of stuff, but it's like, oh, so all this stuff that I'm experiencing is intentional. Totally.

24:14He got on a drive, thought about you and five other guys, and thought I can call all of them.

24:19Yeah, that's right. And was not offended if I didn't answer.

24:22Not offended by the first four not answering, and totally made the guy's day that did answer.

24:26Yeah, that's right. Incredible. All right, next next question, Hart, I want to direct this to you. How do you build a life that feels authentically yours without feeling like you're letting everyone else down?

24:40Okay, here's where I want to get real direct. You're not letting anyone down. If we could just start there, I think it's gonna be great. The only real letdown would be if you don't fulfill the call of God in your life.

24:52Yeah.

24:53But I think the problem is everybody has an opinion about your process. And that that's where I want to hone in on that for a minute because I have so many good friends and I I see young people in their process, and either people that this is interesting, is there's two categories of people that you might feel like you're letting down, but it's on them, it's not you. Okay, one category is people that really do care about you that think you should be doing something better than you are right now, right? Like, hey, I know you think you are or you're trying to build your career and be a great entrepreneur. Why don't you just go sell cars because you could make more money right now if you did that? Yeah. So they want to talk you out of your process. Yep. So it feels like you're letting them down, but you're actually being true to yourself and your calling. The other people are actual haters who don't have vision for themselves, so they don't want you to fulfill yours. Yeah. So I want to get it right. If you're clear on where you're headed, that's the best thing you can do for you and for them. Yeah. The people that care about you are gonna be thrilled that it worked out. The haters are gonna hate anyways. You're just proving them wrong.

26:01Yeah.

26:02I have a great friend who like early in their marriage sold their car, literally was like Ubering to get to work because it saved him money, and sold their house and moved his young wife and kid into an apartment to build their dream. And I remember the in-laws thinking, What have we done? Wow. He's going the wrong direction. Maybe he's not an entrepreneur. You know what I'm saying? And and and and they're great, but the the appearance of it, the optics are, man, maybe it's not gonna work. And in his heart, he's thinking, this is a necessary step to what I'm doing. Yeah. So could it have felt like I'm letting people down? Maybe, unless we look at it correctly, it's like, no, no, no, trust me. Yeah, I will outwork this process and it will be what it's supposed to be. Yeah, hold your breath just for a second. I'm gonna go do what I'm called to do.

26:51Yeah. Tack on to that is the person who asked this sort of sort of question. My suspicion has a high level of empathy.

27:00Yeah.

27:01That the person, and so I want to, I want if someone, if you could relate to that question and someone hearing that question, I want you to probably recognize that that tendency in you to think about others is a great thing.

27:11Yeah.

27:12And what that can do, because I'm an empath, what what that can do, that can that narrative can begin to run wild. You said you've said a couple times, a strength out of balance is a weakness. That's probably a strength of yours out of balance. And it may and it could be a time for you to check yourself and and and go and ask that question of the people around you. Are you, you know, asking it in a way that will be palatable? Like, I feel like I'm letting you down. Is that and just get on the same page, but don't let that narrative run wild because my suspicion is you're just gonna find, like you said, if they're a hater, they're a hater, they're not even worth having the conversation with. But otherwise, it's a good opportunity for you to actually eliminate a narrative and have some fact behind it.

27:52That's really good. You have to be secure in your mission and the path on that mission. That's good. And the Bible says that God not only directs our steps and our path, but he establishes them. So there's a direction to it, and then there's an establishment.

28:10Yeah.

28:10So even though it's hard and difficult, and then the other thing I would say is be selective. I like where you're going with that, but there's probably three or four people that you would actually say, Hey, I I do care about what you think. I appreciate you being some wise counsel and maybe want me to be cautious in this, yeah. But I don't think you ask 20 people that's a whole lot of people that don't know you, know your heart, know where you're headed, know what you're capable of, but they're gonna have some kind of an opinion that could be a distraction. Yep. It's great. Okay, I'm gonna can I throw one back at you? Come on. This is a great question that was sent in. What rhythms or battle plans have you and your wife put in place in tough times and seasons with in-laws or family turbulence? Okay, we're we're talking family, we're talking in-laws specifically. If you're having any turbulence with family, yeah, what have you guys done to really help you navigate that?

29:12One of the best pieces of advice that I ever got was from um, this is with respect to my marriage and and in-laws specifically, was from our pastor when we lived in Tulsa, Jeff Voth. And Jeff said, he said, when it comes to your mom and your wife, always take your wife's side.

29:29Yeah.

29:30And that was hard. I love my mom. I love her. She's the, I mean, you're talking about the greatest mom in the entire world. And so, whenever it comes to a jump ball, though, like it's important for you to show that, like, show that to your wife, like, hey, I'm with you. Because what will happen is it's not like there was an there was like an adversarial relationship, but the question is, your your wife is probably always, this for fellas, like your wife is probably always wondering, how am I comparing to how well his mom did? It's like, am I loving him well? Am I doing well? And it and what you're trying to do is offer that reassurance to her, like, hey, yeah, you and I are united. You are and I are a totally united front. And so I think with with people there, like that's a good place to start. Is he let's make sure that you are locked in with your wife and you're always you're always with her. I would say on the other side, let's say you are the in-law. Krista and I, I think about being a good in-law all the time, like way too much. It's dumb. I got like a like I have like a junior in high school, and I'm thinking about being an in-law someday. But I think about this a lot because I want my kids to hang out with me. Because the filter for us is we want our kids to hang out with them someday, so that naturally leads to the in-laws. So your daughter and your son-in-law. So I think about like, okay, how can I make sure that I am overlapping with their interests? So I'm gonna come to them someday. I'm gonna make sure, hey, if you have a daughter-in-law, make sure she always knows how good of a mom she is if you have kids. Hey, when they give you instructions, make sure you are following those to the T. Man, that's it. Isn't that good? Yes. So why why don't you hit some of those? Those are a couple of assorted thoughts. I don't know if it hits the heart of this guy's question, but but hit me here back.

31:02Maybe where I would go with it is if we could if we could give the listener permission to create boundaries, I think it's the game changer.

31:11Yeah.

31:12Because I I'm echoing what you're saying here, is that it is you and your spouse, and that's the line.

31:19Yeah.

31:20And that's the unity, and that's what matters, and that's what honors God. Right? It's the whole leave, you leave your father and mother, you cleave to your spouse.

31:28Yeah.

31:28And so if we're really gonna do that, if the covenant now is with your spouse, then it is okay to create boundaries with everything else. Yeah. And and we've had to navigate it. I won't go super deep, but I mean, there were times like, hey, here is the plan for Christmas. I love the idea of spending every Christmas together with the entire family, but for the the best thing for our family this year is this situation. And here's how you can be a part of it, and it's okay if you're not. Yeah. Right. And almost like giving ourselves permission to communicate like what's actually best for our family was a big breakthrough.

32:04Yeah.

32:04But I think especially, and then if there's any kind of there's so many people that have differing um spiritual opinions and and political stances and all that stuff, and it's like, man, I really want to encourage you not to get like caught in or weighed down with that. But but it's okay to have a boundary on it to keep everybody healthy. And that's the other thing. There was a there was a little season where we were navigating carrying some of our family's weight. And I think that's the other part of the boundary that's necessary.

32:31Oh, that's good.

32:32Man, I want to cover it in prayer, I want to get in authority with it, but you don't have to carry, even someone as close to in-laws, yeah, you don't have you're not supposed to carry their weight unnecessarily, because then that starts affecting you and your inner family. And and so I think that's another place where there's a little bit of a boundary on the emotion or the the mental toil.

32:53Yeah. Last thing on that, I think would just be from both sides. Man, if you can extend grace. Yep. You could just like, hey, we're we're figuring this out. Man, this is weird with the in-laws. How can we do it? But I um, but it's hard. It it it is this this is can be messy, it can be hard. But I can tell you from experience, like, man, I love hanging out with my parents. They're awesome. I love Kristen loves hanging out with my parents. I love spending time with her family. We love like it's like we we love we love doing that, but it's not come from a bunch of just like easy and and magical stuff. It's been stuff that we've had to work on it, kind of awkwardly do it, but it's um there's some great stuff at the end of that.

33:29That's it.

33:30All right, Chris, next one, back to you. What do you do when you and your spouse are in different places spiritually or personally? Which I'll preface for you. You don't relate to this. You you and you and Molly are are the same, I mean spiritually locked in. So this may draw on some of your experience from the coaching side, but but for somebody listening, hey, what do you do when you're in that different spot?

33:51Well, there have been seasons where Molly and I probably weren't on the same page and have definitely had to aggressively get there. So that's my initial response. Is it's almost like a kind of a toss-up, hey, if it's if it's just not right, it's like, man, fight for it right now.

34:07That's good.

34:07You know what I'm saying? Like that this isn't like a one, two, three. It's like, hey, you might take the afternoon off at work and go home and look your spouse in the eye and say, let's get right and in alignment right now. Yeah. Because everything flows from alignment. And if you're gonna fulfill the assignment on your marriage and the assignment in your family, you will be collectively unified spiritually first. Yeah. Now, there's definite differences in seasons on just the fun personal preferences. Yeah. And I think that's maybe where this would be my opinion, those don't always have to link up. Yeah. Molly's playing tennis right now and I'm not. That's okay. Right. I work out a lot more than than she is right now. That's okay. Yeah. I play Frisbee at 5 a.m., she will never do that. You know what I'm saying? Like it's so there's some of those things that don't have to overlap, but let's recognize the ones that do, and that's where we aggressively fight for it. Yeah. Because if we're in alignment and there's peace, we can take on anything. Yeah. But if there's not, everything feels heavy, everything feels hard, and you're sledging through trying to, and so it almost makes you feel more separated because we don't have the foundation right to actually take on the world.

35:18Yeah. I would I would maybe get even ahead of this question for somebody who's listening who's not married, is man, make sure the foundation stays the foundation. That I'm telling you, if you are a follower of Jesus, you make sure that that comes before every single thing. Because that's the when you start raising kids, that that's only going to widen. That gap's only going to widen if you're not aligned there. So if you are dating, that's where you must begin. If you're a parent, impress that upon your kids. Make sure they understand the vital importance of that. Again, Harrison wants to go to Christian College, you mentioned it earlier, and a lot of that is because he knows, hey, I'm going to go find a bunch of girls who love Jesus. And 70% of the that's going to weed out so many, you know, so much of a you know, 70, 80% of the population there of just saying, like, hey, here's here's who I'm aligned with. So I think if we can get ahead of that, that's really important. Now you may be in a spot. I have a friend who's a pastor whose wife about a year ago said, I don't believe in God anymore. And he's on staff at a church. He's a pastor. He's not a senior pastor, but he's on staff at a church. And what he's done, which I really, really admire, is he's just said, okay, well, where do we have overlap? We want the best for our kids. Okay, I'm gonna do back to stewardship. I'm gonna do what's best within my hand. I I'm not gonna, she knows all the stuff, so I'm gonna make sure that I'm being great. I'm gonna be patient, I'm gonna steward this relationship well, I'm gonna give it everything I can, and back to what we said, I'm gonna let her see the fruit of my life and just trust the Holy Spirit's got the rest.

36:46And I'll tell you what, I think a lot of times we're dancing around things until we become numb to them, yeah, and then are wondering why there's separation. It's like, oh yeah, because we never fixed it, and that thorn is just painful and and we're not dealing with it, and we're mad at each other because it's there. Right. Because we danced around it and didn't do something about it. Yeah. And and I your point is great. There have been a number of guys we've worked with, and it either they or their spouse had to be immovable, steadfast, abounding in the work of the Lord, and their steadfastness is what got them back in alignment. Yeah. So somebody's got to stay the course. Yeah, that's right. And fight for it and initiate it. And you can get it back right. Like God's a redeeming God. We can get this thing back right, yeah, and we see the fruit from it.

37:32Yeah. All right, we're gonna have to cut it off with let's go one more question. By the way, for those, well, I think we're gonna do that. I like this format. Yeah, we're gonna do this more and more, so feel free to shoot me a DM on with questions you have, we'll store them up. We'll we'll ask again when it's time for it. Um, so we're not gonna be able to get to everything today, but uh one last question. Uh question comes in. He asked, with the busyness of work and travel, how do you still make time to invest in your local community?

38:00I like that.

38:00Yeah.

38:02Uh I think this is a big one. Man, you got to take care of where you live. You know, and we you and I both travel a good amount and have plenty to do when we're home. On Thursday nights, we have five practices. The math doesn't work. You know what I'm saying? So like there's there's plenty going on, but that's also being involved in our community, right? So to kind of answer this question, it's interesting. Like, it is a busy schedule, but I what I would initially say is one, having an impact where you live needs to be scheduled and protected like your business meetings. Right? I'm I'm very involved in our church, have been since I was on staff.

38:38Yeah.

38:38I had a three-hour meeting this week uh and two lunches about our church. Yeah. And they were great, they were productive. It's what I'll but that it directly impacts my family, where I live. I invite my community to that church. I also coach sports. We have lunches in our community for CEOs. So I put those in the calendar knowing the importance of it. But all that being said, that probably doesn't work without building a great team for all of it. Yeah. So anything you could you could fill that answer into a lot of our questions, but the team's got to be right. Yeah. First thing Jesus did was build a team to make his impact. Yeah. So it's like, okay, I want to host these lunches for our community. Great. We need a really good team for that. Yeah. Even with the coaching our kids, I always have two or three other coaches because one night a week, I'm probably doing something else, traveling or whatever, and we've got two coaches to cover it.

39:30Yeah.

39:31They're not missing me not being there. The other coaches are great. But if if I didn't build a team, I'm just not there, we got to cancel practice, so I can go do something else. I think I'm supposed to do. Yeah. So I think it's it's prioritizing it and saying this is real and it deserves my best effort, but I will need a team to accomplish multiple things and be good in every scenario.

39:50Yeah.

39:50What do you think?

39:53This is one I do struggle with sometimes because we um there's just a there's a lot going on. And so you have to, you and I talked about it on the phone the other day, just this navigating the tension. I actually challenged you. I think I'm okay admitting this.

40:06Yeah.

40:06You said, Hey, we're speaking, I'm speaking twice at church tonight, and I got a th I had a three-hour meeting on personnel, and I said, Hey, I know you got a bunch going on, man. I know you love the church. Is this getting too much of your time right now? Not a terrible thing to ask. Are you giving too much to church? But no, and you and you said what I like it. You said you said, Yeah, that's I appreciate that. That's attention that I'm navigating. And I love the idea just in the way you said that of describing it as a tension, because it's something that a tension that you won't really ever resolve.

40:32I want to live in the tension, Joey. That's it. That's where the juice is at, man.

40:36Yeah.

40:36That the if if there's tension, that's where people's lives get changed, is in the tension.

40:41Yeah.

40:41We could just go to your accounting job every day and do your thing and go home and have no tension anywhere and have no impact anywhere. That's right. But if we're juggling with, man, how can I get to the practice, pour into those kids for 35 minutes, turn it over to the other coach, run back to the church, man, hook up with Molly for a date night, coach my other kid. I mean, it's just like all of that is just adding to it's like Luke talking about being intentional with our friends. There's tension in that.

41:06Yeah.

41:07I had to decide to make a phone call instead of driving by myself, listen to the radio. Right. The tension is where the power is if we'll embrace it.

41:14We are we have an epic weekend planned. We were recording podcasts all day today. We're gonna go play pickleball tomorrow. We're gonna go to the Van Dy game tomorrow, and then 6 a.m. on Sunday, I'm in the truck because I got to volunteer church on Sunday morning.

41:26I'm flying, I land at 10 40 to go to an 11 o'clock soccer game. And we built that on purpose. Yeah. Yeah. It took some planning. There's only one direct flight that makes it possible. Let's embrace that so we can actually accomplish everything we know we're supposed to do.

41:39That's it. Chris, we can't end an episode without the question. I don't even know how we're gonna what we're gonna ask here, but but listen, if we hey, we're gonna be brave and big, no excuses. We need a small step. Next seven days, yeah. The people here, you can pick any one of the questions we had, and you can choose one small step for any one of those for someone in the next seven days to follow.

41:59I am going to ask you to create a healthy boundary in one of your areas. Okay. The idea of if it's if it's with extended family, what's the boundary? If it's with uh your schedule is a little bit wild right now, but you want to have impact, what's the boundary so that you can actually do what you're supposed to do, but not go too far and get outside of yourself? Yeah. I think it'd be really cool to identify a boundary that you want to set for you this week, live by it, and see the fruit that comes from it.

42:31Bob Goff, who wrote Love Does, he had a practice he did for a long time. Every week he quit one thing. So good. He I'm dropping off a board right now. I'm doing it. It was just, you know, or whatever it is. Like he there was something he quit every week. And man, what did what did he ended up with nothing?

42:48Yeah. He would drop something because there was something amazing that needed to replace.

42:52Yeah. I love that. One boundary. That's your that's your charge. The small step to be brave and live big this week. Okay, real quick, triple S for us. Subscribe, share, star. Give us five stars wherever you listen to podcasts. Thank you so much for joining us this week on Brave and Big. Brave and Big is produced by Stonest Podcast and the brilliant Miles All Britton. We will see you next week.